My heart is torn. So many things are happening right now. I am beginning to think my life would make a good biography. I really do not know what to say about anything that is going on. Just, there is a big storm in my presence, and it involves so many people, and most people will never know anything about it. The unknowing is probably the best thing right now. I just wish that some things could be different. Although then my life would not be lived out to the fullest.

It is so hard to let God do His thing sometimes. I mean, I know that His way will ultimately be the best way. In my creativity class, my professor read the greatest Quote:

“Although we understand it backwards, we have to live it forwards.”

-- I don’t know who said this one, but I want to always remember it.

I am a good kid, right? I don’t disrespect my parents. I get them the information they need to have. I try really hard to keep my GPA high. I try to be a good daughter so they can be proud of me in my absence. Still in the back of my mind, there is this emptiness I feel from HIS absence.

I had my first argument with him today. Journal, why is he so close-minded? Why does he always have an excuse about why it is not his fault? He is so self absorbed that he cannot see what his divorce has done to his children. He does not care that his daughter is uncomfortable getting close to any man old enough to be her father. He just cares about why he cannot walk his daughter down her aisle. He does not care about his daughter’s well-being, he only cares about where the money is going.

Why is it that Every divorce results in “WHERE IS THE MONEY GOING?!” Hello Parents, it is NOT about the money. It is about loving your kids and giving up that new pair of shoes and that new CAT so that the kids can have a better and safer upbringing. Because if it is not about the children…those children will grow up wondering what they did to make their parents not love them anymore. They will wonder as they are raising their own children why they are sending their children to the doctor when they didn’t get to go to the doctor. Money. Why do their children get to go to the six flags class field trip when their parents never paid for them to go to the six flags field trip. Money. Why do they have to go to their children’s basketball games when Kayla’s father waited until she was eighteen years old before he bothered picking up the phone to talk to her. That does not show her lack of money. That shows her lack of love.

Kids don’t even actually want money, they just think they do. Kids want time. Kids want smiles. Kids want sacrifices, and not because they are selfish, but because they DESERVE for their parents to sacrifice for them. That is what good parents do. They make sacrifices, and their kids love them like crazy for it.

My father will never understand that. He tries so hard to make up for lost time, but he will never understand that it is too late. He broke my heart into more pieces than any high school sweetheart could have made me forget about. He will never change his ways.

My heart goes out to all the children like myself who have to deal with parents like my father.

I’m so lonely. …not in relation to Ben, just in general. I retire to the same four white walls and the same stale smell, and it’s so depressing because all of my energy escapes my body because I just can’t stand to enter this room. It is not a matter of me wanting to avoid my roommate, actually it is the opposite. The matter is loneliness. I am always in this four wall cell alone, with no one to talk to. And I can’t call anyone because everyone else has a roommate to talk to. Hm, last night I thought about those people who go insane or mad or whatever, and I thought about how they must have started and if it was anything like the loneliness I feel when I lay, night after night, in my bed with no one else around. But then I realized that their situation was most likely a lot worse off than mine is.

I have thought a lot about my future lately and I am so scared. Will I survive finals coming up in about a month? I know I have been fine in the past, but will I make it through finals this semester? And my schedule for next year, will all my courses be available, and time slots open, and what sacrifices will I have to make to be able to fit that last class in? I think about that wedding in England that I really want to attend in December and when the next international choir tour will be. I need a passport. I need to pass piano proficiency and my senior recital. And hopefully I will be planning a wedding. I need to give everything to God. He handles pressure so much better than I do.

And then I think about further in the future, like having children. I thought about my childhood and the way I was raised, and some other people I grew up with and how they were raised. I thank God for the parents, we had. Then I think about kids around me and what they are deprived of, and I think about kids in youth groups near me and their broken homes. And I think of documentaries I have heard about and what thirteen through eighteen year olds are doing while their parents have no idea. I have longed to be a mother my whole life and right now I am afraid to unleash a child into this sad world. Many parents have no idea what their children are doing, and often times it is a matter of parents not spending time with their children and just showing them love in the wrong way, but kids are brilliant at putting on a mask for different people so they don’t get into trouble. And maybe it is a matter of me not having faith in my future children, or not giving them enough credit, but it is not just about how my husband and I raise our children. Part of it will also come from what crowd they choose to role with. Free will is such a dangerous thing.

Our culture becomes more selfish everyday. We seem to think that the world needs to entertain us. The mindset of all ages is corrupted in this way. They need to have the latest video game system, the biggest house, the fastest garage door opener J the loudest music with profane lyrics and no intellect so there is no strain to understand it’s meaning, stronger drugs, more sexual partners, dvd players for the car.

And when people get all of this, they are still not satisfied. So they come to church, but church is too boring so they leave. I heard this quote many times growing up, and it is still a good one, “You can’t always get what you want.” “The whole world doesn’t revolve around you.” Yes mom it is so true. Two phrases our culture lacks.

For many, many years now the moral system has continued to decrease in time. If our thirteen year olds are entertained by money and sex and drugs wherever and whenever they can get it, how will this get worse with time? Because seriously, it’s not getting any better. Will nine and ten year olds look into birth control to “regulate their period” and will they be testing for STD’s still not understanding the severity of this condition as life threatening?

Hm, yes journal I know what you must be thinking….Kayla has lost it again.

Well, don’t be too worried. I am probably just having a little cold feet for the future God has in store for me. It is just sad to see the cycle of live and the way that everyone unconsciously blames everyone else rather than just taking the responsibility for their actions and then moving forward. Myself included of course.

Wow, I could really use some positive and encouraging news right about now.